In September, 2001, I was in a very different place for where I sit today. This is what I wrote about this date in 2006:
I
was on the first real vacation I had taken in years, beginning with a
trip to Northern California for the big outdoor art show in Sausalito
over the Labor Day weekend. My stepdaughter Amy had a booth at the show,
and I went with her and her husband Phil to stay in a sweet little inn
in San Rafael. During that leg of the trip I had managed to hook up with
an old boyfriend, himself also single again, in San Francisco. He took
me on a wondrous tour of the nighttime city -- wandering into haunts in
Chinatown, catching the music in a great jazz club, and eating cioppino
at a garlicky little restaurant.
I then went for a week with a
friend I had known in junior high and had not seen since. Neil and her
husband Neal--yes, they share the same first name--turned out to be delightful
grownups--gourmets, nonconformists, and living in the Silverlake section
of Los Angeles. They only had one car and they had no television set.
They had a charming little storybook cottage with no pets except for the
feral cats who lived in the backyard. Neil and I had been having one of
the nice catching-up visits that old friends sometimes who have been
separated for years are lucky enough to experience. I was scheduled to
fly back home through Pensacola on September 13.
On this morning in 2001 Neil came in to wake me up at about six A.M. L.A. time.
She told me of the terrible situation in New York. Remember, we had no
tv to watch; she and Neal were listening to the radio. Then their
friends began calling, realizing that they didn't have a television set,
and thinking that would be the only way to learn about what was
happening. Neal had worked at the World Trade Center only a few years
before; he was beside himself with worry about friends. Neil and I
worried about our own safety, and I knew there was no way I was going to
fly back home in two days. But I wanted to get out of Los Angeles as
soon as I could. Even though there was the sense that all major U.S. cities were in grave danger, Neil assured me that she had a sixth sense about these
things and didn't think Los Angeles was going to be hit. Never mind
that, no airport felt safe; I had to get home somehow.
Someone
suggested the bus. Nothing sounded safer than a Greyhound Bus to me
then, the big old lumbering behemoths that used to take me from Fairhope
to Mobile on a Saturday afternoon to watch a movie. I knew it was going
to be a hell of a ride from Los Angeles to Lower Alabama, but I
cancelled the plane tickets and went to the bus station. Neil and I
looked around and the little station looked clean and all but empty.
This was going to be rather nice. I'd just get off when I got weary and
find a nearby motel and get on the next bus going east when I got up in
the morning.
Of course the trip did not turn out to be that pat. The
first bus from the clean little station took me not eastward to Mobile,
but rather to the main bus terminal in Los Angeles, which was teeming
with humanity, and scared humanity at that. Luckily I had lived for 14
years in Manhattan and knew how to finesse myself to the head of a line
while the crowd milled around looking confused. I felt a little
guilty for that, but not much. I also had known enough to pack a small
carry bag with enough stuff to get me through three nights and check the
big bag straight on through to Mobile. I got a decent seat and stayed
on the first miserable bus for an hour or two and got off when it got
dark, at a town called Blythe on the California border. I spent the
night at a really cheap hotel, compounding my anxiety with a fear of the intrusion of a rapist/murderer, as if I weren't
scared enough. But all went pretty well. I wasn’t accosted in the room,
and even got a little sleep. I had breakfast at daybreak at a nearby
McDonald's and watched a glorious sunrise on the next bus. And so it
went. A tour of the Great American West, looking at sunrises and flags
flying from all the roadside businesses along the way. Once a kid in
uniform got on and sat next to me. I said to him "What are we going to
do?" and he said, "Make a parking lot out of 'em." Bless his heart, I
thought, he has no idea.
I went through Arizona and New Mexico,
and then came Texas. Neil had packed a little food for me, and a bottle
of water. She lent me two books to get my mind off things.
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and
The Liars' Club.
Ya Ya
worked best--it spoke of home, and supportive women, and an
unrealistically competent heroine. I climbed into that book and stayed
there the whole trip. I never did finish
The Liars' Club, clearly a far better book but not matching my mood.
I
stayed on the bus, sleeping through Texas, rather than prolonging the
trip by getting off and finding a place to stay at that point. As the
bus heaved into Louisiana I did enjoy seeing familiar Southern
scenery--marshes, bayous, and Spanish moss. I was getting toward home. I
spent the night in a nice town, had one of the best breakfasts in my
life, enhanced by the comfort of a small-town diner, with people
chatting and behaving for all the world as if they were going to stay
together and stay the same on into time immemorial. Being in their
company made me feel everything was going to be all right. America was
still small towns, contented people, and love. I think the town was Lafayette, Louisiana. Most of it
was washed away a few years later in Katrina, but those people at the
breakfast restaurant are still there; I know they are.
It was a
sobering trip. I was glad to be home. People wonder what has changed now
that everybody is saying that the world has changed. This is it: I
have. The props were knocked out from under me and I am not the same
person who went to that art show and heard jazz in San Francisco.
Everything I do is tinged with the memory of that tragedy and knowledge
that although we survived this should not have happened, and that it
happened because of mistakes our leaders had made, mistakes for which
our whole country is responsible.
Unfortunately, since that day
the mistakes have been compounded over and over until there is little
credibility for our country and its value anywhere in the world.
Politically, from the first there were those who said that we need to
wage more wars--do it better, stay the course--rationalizing the
original error of our ways. It sometimes seems to me that there will be
no way out in my lifetime, and no hysterical behavior on anybody's part
is going to change a thing.
This realization led me to another phase of my life,
one in which I concentrate on my own concerns. The village that raised
this child had become a place I don't recognize and I have left it for
good. If I can make my own space better by doing my best, I can only
hope that it will have some effect on the betterment of others. That's
fair enough.